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Portland OR 97220

Black Lamb

ABOUT

Now in its 14th year of publication, this magazine was created to offer the discerning reader a stimulating selection of excellent original writing. Black Lamb Review is a literate rather than a literary publication. Regular columns by writers in a variety of geographic locations and vocations are supplemented by features, reviews, articles on books and authors, and a selection of “departments,” including an acerbic advice column and a lamb recipe.

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Consumerism run amok

November 1st, 2006

BY BLACK LAMB

Again we present an unparalelled opportunity for Black Lamb readers and would-be consumers: exclusive access to a superb gift cornucopia, the Whole Whog Catalog, first published in 1980. Take advantage of the original catalog prices by ordering today.

For this special issue, we offer an elaborate gift suggestion.

heavenlynohostbar.pngHeavenly No-Host Bar
After a day of hell, unwind and transcend it all with this unusual home bar ensemble which is an ecclesiastical extravaganza. Rest on fun-fur kneeling pads in front of a low “altar rail” bar and have your drinks served in a “holy grail” goblet by a bartender in real bishop’s robes and mitre while you enjoy the stained glass “cathedral window” light show, with its pulsating rays straight out of Michelangelo. Accent the scene with fun and functional accessories like the “Quaker” shaker, the Episco-Pail™ ice bucket, “shepherd’s staff” swizzle sticks, “Holy Roller” coasters, “swaddling clothes” drink cozies, a “serpent of Eden” corkscrew, “crown of thorns” party hats, or the amazing talking Bar-Nun™, which is really a miniature breath analyzer — just exhale on the vent in her habit and she’ll tell you when to stop by discreetly whispering “Don’t be a martyr.” Choose from a staggering assortment of drinks and premixed cocktails: have a Bloody Mary, a Saint Thomas of Quinine, or a Christian Brothers with a holy water back; or for something more exotic try a Tabernacle Daiquiri, a Mormon Nailer, a San Franciscan Friar, a Solomon’s Temple, an Easter Sunrise, a Last Stupor, an Immaculate Concoction, a Vodka Stigmata, or a Rusty Nail. For novices, there’s the nonalcoholic Saint Francis the Sissy and Juice for Jesus. There are plenty of bar-top snacks, so if the spirit moves you, reach for handful of cheese-flavored Circumsnaps™, high fiber Holy Wheats™, double-cross-shaped Crucifixion Thins™, or zesty Jesus Crisps™ congregation-tested communion wafers. Use our recipes to make your own festive treats, like Baptismal Fondue, Blood Sausage Hors d’Oeuvres, or Pontius Pilaf. For musical inspiration you’ve got the Rock of Ages™ bar-mounted compact jukebox with 36 favorite secular selections including Sins You Went Away by The Temptations, Halo Goodbye by the Satan Dolls, Behind Her Pew by Peter, Paul and Mary, The Lone Manger by Joltin’ Joe and the Magi, He Laid Me on the Altar of the Lord by The Singing Nun, and It Ain’t the Meat It’s the Methodist by the Original Sins. For those who get too much into the spirit, there’s our Born Again™ morning-after tablets to ease the pain of penance. And don’t let your guests take it all for granted. After all, there’s no host. Once they’ve been served, just pass the collection plate for tax-deductible contributions. They’ll be talking in tongues.

Bar, kneeling pad, bishop’s outfit, light show, 12 goblets, accessory set, 48 assorted premixed cocktails, snack sampler and recipes, jukebox, 36 morning-after tablets:
Only $498.95

Order today, with check enclosed (shipping is free!), through Black Lamb, P.O. Box 4531, Portland OR 97208-4531, USA. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

All entries are from the Whole Whog Catalog, by Victor Langer, Leslie Anderson, and Bob Ross, with a preface by Chevy Chase (New York, Times Books, 1980). •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: All Smoking & Drinking Issue, Wretched Excess | Link to this Entry

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