Black Lamb

Extra-long weekend

All dressed up & no place to go

September 1st, 2011

BY BENJAMIN FELICIANO

Wake up knowing that you are going into work today for about the length of time it takes you to get logged in and take one phone call. Breathe deeply and smile to yourself.

Put on your nicest pair of pants and go into the bathroom. Use that whitening mouthwash you bought but hardly use and brush your teeth. Then floss.

Shave your face and consider giving yourself a little Hitler stache; fantasize about hiding it under the guise of pensive thought until you can reveal it and goose-step your way out of your boss’s office. Finish shaving the mustache off.

Put on your best shirt and think about wearing your best tie but remember your roommate borrowed it and undid the perfect knot you’ve been reusing since you bought it. Leave the tie.

Pack a lunch even though you won’t get to eat it; pack it anyway. Leftover spaghetti.

Go outside and sit on the scooter you just started making payments on. Be distressed for a moment when you realize you are not sure how you will continue paying for it if you cannot get a job right away. Shake the thought from your head and kick… kick… kick… kick start it. Begin the drive to work.
Stop off at a gas station for cigarettes because this may be the last pack you can afford for a while. Think of smoking one but instead look at your phone and see you have only fifteen minutes to get logged in. Kick… kick start the scooter again and park in the shade when you get to work. (The shade will still be there when you get out.)

Reach into your pocket absentmindedly and feel cloth. Pull out a black thong with a pink ribbon on it. Remember that your roommate borrowed these jeans and that the girl he got to third base with at your party last night thought it would be cute (kinky?) to leave this as a surprise for him the next morning. Take your work badge out of the other pocket and go up the stairs to your office’s suite.

Clear all your decorations off your cubicle walls and put all your belongings in a pile. (This will make the “here is your box, get your shit and leave” moment shorter and less awkward.)

Get a large glass of ice water. Resist the urge to pour it all over your keyboard.
Sit down and log in, sign into all of your programs, and open your email. After three minutes take your first call; the person you’re trying to contact will not be available. Be unreasonably amiable to whoever answered the phone. Get an instant message from the HR representative of your branch asking you to come into her office. Change your status to “In Training/Coaching” and reply “Sure thing, on my way!” Do not add a smiley face.

Quickly say a vague and ominous farewell to the only person currently in the office who you will miss. Give him the motivational painting that everyone has been passing around and thank him for the times he’s given you rides home. Tell him to keep it on the down low even though you know he will not.

Run into your team leader on the way to the HR rep’s office; she will attempt to say something jovial like, “Hey! Looks like I’ll be following you right now.” Say “Awesome!” a little too enthusiastically. Take a seat and greet the HR rep with a smile. Think she has always liked you, maybe you will get off easy? Know you are still getting fired.

Listen to her explanation, give yours, suddenly realize she might be hinting that they could sue you for hanging up on the customer. (It was a hard day that day right? Oh, you have several examples of me doing this? Well fuck.) Panic a lot.

Get told you’re going to have “an extra long weekend!” and that “Nothing is final” and that she wants you to come back in at nine on Tuesday. Know that it is pretty much final. Thank her for her time and help (because you actually really did appreciate her, she were really nice even though you never got that promotion you wanted) and stand up.

Pull something out of your pocket with a plastic-y crinkle. Your TL will say, “Are you going to put on a mustache?” Quote the movie Hot Rod and put it on.

Leave the office with your leftover spaghetti and drive home, where you will smoke a cigarette and take a shot of that Captain Morgan that someone left at your house last night.

Tell yourself you are too young to be in the business industry anyway. Consider food service. Shudder, apply online at a temp agency, and select “Call Center.” •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Feliciano | Link to this Entry