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Get ’em while you can

Before the government takes our guns away

February 1st, 2013

BY TOBY TOMPKINS

Let me get one thing straight here. I don’t like crazy people using guns to shoot little kids any more than anyone else who isn’t crazy, all right? Everybody in town knows I’ve been running Guns Unlimited out here on John Stark Road ever since my father passed back in ’92 — and by the way, that was an accident which can happen even to someone who knows guns backwards and forwards, so forget what you read in the town’s liberal rag. He was not drunk. My dad knew better than to mix firearms and firewater. He only took a drink on Saturday night, and the accident happened on a Wednesday. Have a little respect for the truth, all right? The obit in American Rifleman Magazine got the story right.

But the point is, I will guaran-goddamn-tee you that not a single one of his customers or mine ever shot a little kid with any weapon from this store. That Sig Sauer P220 Parabellum, the one they say was mixed up in the murder-suicide over to Wayne Bridge two years ago? I sold that pistol a year before then, to the Walmart over there at the Keene mall, when I was clearing inventory to make room for the P226 .22 Long Rifle, which is a better all-around weapon for your civilian shooter, and that’s where the woman bought it. You want to look it up, be my guest; I got the sales record for that year right in the shelf over there. You can’t trust computers, because the Feds can hack into ’em, so I keep my accounts on paper and put the pages in a good old-fashioned ring-binder, so when the computers all shit the bed when the goverment does their cyber-attack, kind of thing Glen Beck talks about… well, you catch my drift, right? It’s just common sense.

And by the way, that woman did not shoot her kids with the P220. Her damn crazy husband did that while he was drunk, with a shotgun I had nothing to do with. She just used the pistol to shoot him, and then she shot herself, and you can’t hardly blame her. I mean, some people don’t deserve to have kids, see what I’m saying?

What? Yeah, Sal and I have a boy, Josh. He can be a handful, I’ll tell you, now he’s coming up into his teens and getting all full of weird ideas, you know, what with playing the video games and listening to that rap crap and hanging out with the bad element in school, but there’s no way he can lay his hands on my personal guns. They’re all locked up in the cabinet in my finished basement — Sal calls it my man cave, ha ha very funny — and I’ve got the only key. And of course he can’t get at the weapons I sell here.

Besides, Josh is a great kid. I taught him how to shoot, gave him the whole nine yards about weapons safety and blah-blah-blah, Had to damn near beat that stuff into his thick skull so he wouldn’t blow his fool head off looking down the barrel when there was a round in the chamber, like my dad did. But he picked up on it after awhile, and I took him out last deer season.

Would you believe he bagged his Bambi before I even got a shot at the stag I was tracking? No lie! He’s a Deadeye Dick, man, a natural! You bet I made him field-dress his kill, right there and then, like a responsible hunter, and drag it back to the pickup all by himself. He bitched a little, but he did the right thing. Then he got picky about eating the venison roast Sal fixed… well, it was a little gamy because she didn’t hang the buck long enough, but of course she never listens to me when it comes to cooking. But I know he’s damn proud of the four-point rack I mounted in his bedroom, even though he won’t admit it, being a teenager and all.

Well, these kids today, they all have their troubles, you know what I’m saying? But at least Josh hasn’t started doing drugs, far as I know, and he’s growing up in a drug-free home, like his guidance counselor at school said when she took him off academic probation. I could do without her inspections, but it goes with the job, I guess. It’s not the kids’ fault if they go wrong, she says, it’s the parents’.

Hell, she should know: she’s a black woman from out of state, probably grew up in the ghetto with a single mother kind of situation. Not that I have anything against black people, O.K.? It’s just, some of them act like they’re entitled to handouts from the government, and I guess you can’t blame ’em, now the liberals have put the black socialist back in the White House for four more years, and you know damn well the only reason he got re-elected was because of all that affirmative action stuff he passed out to them and the illegal Mexicans. I mean, do the math! Obama knew damn well white people are getting to be an endangered species in the U.S. of A. So how come there isn’t some special-interest group to protect us, like the one that saved the needle-dick bug-fucker or whatever it’s called, that little bird the eco-freaks howled about when they were trying to keep loggers from clear-cutting so we have enough lumber to build our goddamn houses, for Christ’s sake? The whole environmental thing’s a travesty, you ask me.

What’s that? Oh, business has never been better! The guns are flying out of the shop, it’s all I can do to keep up with demand. And you know why? Because folks around here know Obama’s gonna veto the Second Amendment any day now, so if you want weapons so you can defend yourself and your family, you better get ’em now.

Yeah, and while we’re on the subject, you remember all those interviews with the parents and friends of those kids at Sandy Hook? Comes out that was a big fake. The government hired actors, they staged the whole thing to make an excuse for taking our guns.

Black helicopters? You’re kidding, right? Come on, they don’t need ’em any more. They got those robot drones with bombs in ’em, they go and fly one over your house, it hangs around up there while the CIA or whoever pulls the raid, they order you to hand over your weapons or blooey! Hell, they’re already doing that in Pakistan, don’t you follow the news? ’Course they don’t generally give the towel-heads the option before dropping the bombs, but this is still America, so far, you got to be given fair warning, it’s in the Bill of Rights, you can check it out for yourself. Not that the Bill of Rights or any other damn thing in the Constitution is going to count for any more than a fart in a windstorm if the socialists get their way.
And, see, that’s the whole point — we don’t need guns to defend ourselves from each other, we need ’em to stand up to the government, just like the patriots did back in 1776, or it’s going to be tyranny all over again, just mark my words. We need another American Revolution, and I’m sure as hell not talking about a communist takeover. The Tea Party was right on the money when they first started out, on account of we already have taxation without representation in this country, but they got co-optated all to hell and gone when they went to Congress, and Obama doesn’t pay any attention to them anyways, he just uses his presidential prestige or whatever they call it to make everybody do what he wants, which is to turn us into a socialist state. I mean, look at that health care thing — if that ain’t socialized medicine, what the hell is it? Whoo! Sorry! Don’t get me started!

But, see, the thing is, too many people in this country are half asleep most of the time, they don’t pay attention to what’s going on around them. The men got their wide-screen TV, their football and baseball games, their junk food, their beer and soda. And the ladies, you know, they have their malls, their beauty parlors, their book clubs and what-not. And another thing, not enough Americans go to church regular.

Huh? Oh, Pentacostal Witnesses, Pastor Jack Knox, he’s a pistol, preaches a sermon will curl your back hairs! More people need to get right with God, that’s all there is to it. We’ve fallen off the straight and narrow right into the pit of hell, and we’re about to reap the grapes of wrath bigtime. This used to be one nation under God, of the people, for the people, and by the people, like it says in the Pledge of Allegiance. But folks just wander around nowadays without a thought in their heads, so no wonder they do whatever the politicians tell ’em.

Point is, it’s not too late. We have to wake up and take the bull by the horns, you know what I’m saying? Benjamin Franklin said an armed citizen is the backbone of democracy, or it might have been George Washington, hell, I’m no pointy-headed history professor, but it was one of the Founding Framers, anyway. O.K. so the U.S. Army has all the tanks and artillery and planes and rockets and what-not, but don’t forget, the British had the strongest army in the world back in 1776, and they lost, because the patriots didn’t fight by the rules, right? They just suckered the Redcoats into traps and picked ’em off one at a time, and then they’d run away and live to fight another day, kind of deal. The Brits thought the war would be over in a month, and instead it lasted so long the king got sick of it and called it off, like that gutless LBJ did with the war in Vietnam, which we were winning, by the way, ask any vet!

So I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. But if enough Americans trust in God’s word and start arming themselves for the last war between Jesus and Satan, to make sure the Prince of Peace wins, this country will wind up a paradise on Earth the way the Lord meant it to be. And there are signs and portents all over the map that the war’s coming soon, my friend. Read your Book of Revelations. The Antichrist is already here and he lives in the White House with the Whore of Babylon. Hey, don’t just take my word for it. It’s in the Bible.

Yeah, good talking to you, too. I try to give people a little wake-up call, is all. It’s my Christian duty.

What’s that? Glad to hear it! Hang on a second, lemme see… O.K., I can give you a sweet deal on a Bushmaster AR-15 chambered for 5.56 millimeter, and a couple of staggered 30-round clips. They’re still legal so far, and they’ll give you the same firepower as the Feds, unless they come in with full auto. And I’ll let you in on a little secret about the military M-16. You got to be real careful firing it on full auto, keep it to short bursts, or the sucker will overheat and jam on you. And a lot of the troops they got today, they’re kids, they don’t know what they’re doing, they panic, pull down the trigger and fire off their whole magazine before they know it. So you’re just as well off with the civilian AR-15 on semi, you can keep up a steady fire while your government soldier’s just standing there with a jammed gun, or an empty one, going “Oh, shit,” see what I’m saying?

I’ve only got a couple of these puppies left, but it’s a pleasure to meet a thinking man. You wouldn’t believe some of the nuts who come in here. Tellya what, I’ll give you the rifle for fifteen hundred, that’s a thou less than Walmart sells it for, because it’s used. If you’re interested, I can come down a little on the clips and ammo, too. I’ll throw in the cleaning kit.

No, there’s no registration requirement in the State of New Hampshire. Background check? What, are you a Masshole? Just kidding. Look, this is the Live Free or Die state. A man’s word is still a man’s word here, thank the Jesus. White man, anyway.

Uh, no, sorry, just cash or a check on a local bank. The government snoops on credit card transactions, too. We have to keep under the radar, right? O.K., I’ll hold it for you till tomorrow. Eleven? See you then. But don’t stand me up, or you can color this weapon gone. All right, then. Thanks for coming in. •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Tompkins | Link to this Entry

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