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Black Lamb

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Archive for the 'Fournier' Category

Grandma at Disney World

November 1st, 2012

BY ELIZABETH FOURNIER

I have a friend who helped scatter grandma’s ashes at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. She didn’t exactly tell the kids that that was the specific reason they were all packed and heading down south in the Kia Sedona, but what would they have cared, anyhoo? It is the happiest place on Earth — for the living and in this case, the post-living.

They prided themselves on taking care of business and doing it on the cheap. Grandma, who arbitrarily was known by the extravagant name of Sayonara, would have approved. Disney World was offering active duty and retired soldiers a free five-day pass for themselves and the ability to purchase five more five-day passes for $99 each. Booyah! That was striking pay dirt for a family who pulled the wool over Desert War Uncle Rickey’s eyes by promising him he’d have the chance to ride front row on all the “big rides.”

They stayed at one of the Disney-owned hotels to take advantage of the early admission days they offer. The plan was to close down the park: stay late and enjoy smaller crowds, shorter lines, and fewer kids.

The rope dropped and they were off like banshees, Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Fournier | Link to this Entry

A facial for your va-jay-jay

September 1st, 2012

BY ELIZABETH FOURNIER

Detoxing your vulvæ may sound like an odd and even tender torment, but Asian women have been doing it for centuries to regulate their menstrual cycles. The ancient tradition uses a combination of herbs that claim to reduce stress, fight infection, clear hemorrhoids, and aid fertility, as well as uncountable other health benefits. Its key components, mugwort and wormwood, have long been used to excite hormones, treat bladder infections, fevers, and constipation, and induce contractions for the duration of labor.

Yes, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ, but just because you don’t have to tend to your lady bits with wacky treatments doesn’t mean they wouldn’t deeply appreciate a stress-reducing steam bath.

Many eastern Asian women steam commonly after their monthly periods. The vulval steam is a centuries-old technique that’s been gaining popularity in holistic practices, physical therapy clinics, and random spas.
To give you a tiny backstory, I first heard of this sort of steam bath a few years ago. Like most with a vagina, I was straightway inquisitive about it. I thought vajazzling was over the top. First there was labia dye, and but now the latest spa treatment, the “Vajacial,” a facial for your vagina, is ramping up. It’s truly what is up down there.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Fournier | Link to this Entry

Crushes

September 1st, 2010

BY ELIZABETH FOURNIER

I was sitting outside the principal’s office of my tiny Catholic grade school yet again. Sister Bernadette just couldn’t get her habit around the fact I was in love. She deemed it inappropriate to write “I (heart) Shaun Cassidy!” all over my white pleather Jordache purse with a pink felt pen. I had written the same thing on my Pee-Chee folder, but that time in purple.

cassidy1.jpegWhat really Frenched her toast was the forbidden Teen Beat magazine found in my desk. But I had to keep it in there — I just had to. I took a picture of myself and pasted it next to Shaun’s face. I told her he wrote “Hey Deanie” for me after he secretly attended my piano recital where I performed a crisp version of “Da Doo Ron Ron.”

Shaun was dreamy on TV, but in my upstairs bedroom, I was his front row audience. We had a super hush-hush friendship: Shaun, his Adam’s apple, and little old fourth-grade me. I wore out the grooves on his vinyl disks. I studied the liner notes of all his albums and even inked in my name as acknowledgment for his inspiration.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by: The Editors
Category: All School Issue, Fournier | Link to this Entry

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