Black Lamb » Marshall

Radios and pedestrians

The Editors — Tue, 01 May 2007 15:35:20 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

Dear Millie,

My husband and I recently relocated to a small town to spend our retirement years in peace and quiet. We made sure before making the move that we could get good radio reception for classical and jazz stations, which, along with National Pubic Radio, are broadcast from a big city not too far distant. The problem, though, is the DJs, who are rank amateurs. What can we do? Their annoying voices and stammering ruin our radio listening for us.

Miffed

Dear Miffed,

First of all, I guess I’d have to say that you’re lucky to find a place in America with access to both a classical and a jazz station. Plenty of huge cities in this country no longer have either.

As for the quality of what they call “on-air hosts,” we’re living in hard times.

Used to be that there were requirements for being a broadcaster: a pleasant, mellow speaking voice and the ability to speak without clicking your lips or cluttering your pronouncements with a constant stream of “ums” and “uhs” and “ahs.” Speaking in complete sentences was once de rigeuer, too.

No longer. Even the big national networks showcase people like Ira Glass, who despite his brilliance as a producer and writer, natters away in a nasal, breathless voice, swallowing his words and talking way too fast. And the oddball vocalizings of the BBC’s news annnouncers are the stuff of parody. As for the local stations, especially the jazz and classical ones, it’s definitely Amateur Hour — most of the DJs are not paid, and I guess the stations can’t afford to be picky with volunteer help. Drives me up the wall. The only thing you can do is try to ignore the chatter and focus on the music, but it’s not easy when the announcer mispronounces Khachaturian (accent on the last syllable) or calls Mr. Armstrong Looey, rather than the correct Louis. Downright distracting. Here’s hoping the recent success of NPR’s radio programs brings back the idea of announcers’ getting some training before they’re turned loose on a defenseless public.

Millie

Dear Millicent,

Because of my work, I spend a good deal of time driving in the city and in the suburbs, and I am constantly amazed by pedestrians who assume they own the streets, even when they’re jaywalking. Does the American pedestrian in fact rule?

Taxi Man

Dear Taxi,

The laws on pedestrians in the street differ from state to state. I believe pedestrians do practically rule in California, but even in places where jaywalkers are ticketed, it’s never a good idea to run over one of them. My feeling, whether driving or walking, is forget the law and stay out of each other’s way.

I remember being very amused when a friend of mine in San Francisco, who was a very good driver, was taking me on a summer sight-seeing tour from the front seat of his Chevy. This was in the Haight Ashbury in the late Sixties, when the hippie thing was at its wretched zenith. As we drove along Haight, our windows down to absorb the contact high of the street scene, a scraggly doper started to jaywalk right in front of us. My friend drove right up to the freak before stopping just short of him. Then he blasted his horn. The flower child jumped out of the way and yelled, “The streets are for people, man!”

“No they aren’t, man,” my friend replied. “The streets are for cars. The sidewalks are for people.”

Good thing to keep in mind, whether walking or driving.

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

When to be serious

The Editors — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 13:20:20 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

Dear Reader,

I’ve been saving a couple of letters from the Black Lamb mailbag for this All-Marriage Issue.

Millie

Dear Millie,

As a divorced woman left with two small children to raise, I find myself growing angry when my childless girlfriends want to cry on my shoulder over the breakup of their marriages. “Get over it,” I want to say. “At least you don’t have to deal with children permanently bruised by the failure of your romance.” What do you think?

Pissed in Pittsburgh

Dear Pissed,

I suppose you have a point, but I hope you and your friends don’t regard feeling pain as a contest. You’ve made your messes, and it’s up to all of you to try to fix them, or at least minimize their impact. I’d say comfort one another and get on with life as best you can. Friends can be— should be — a real help.

Millie

Dear Millicent,

I have a couple of acquaintances, one actually an old friend, who have been married a number of times (more than twice). Am I alone in finding it difficult to take them seriously?

Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling,

You’re not entirely alone. I, at least, am with you. While a lot of people seem to find it simply amusing that some characters jump in and out of wedlock as if they were changing clothes, I can’t help thinking that these jokers aren’t playing with a full deck. At some point in our lives, we’ve got to grow up and enter the adult world, which means maturely weighing pros and cons and making responsible choices, and then sticking by our choices.

Show me a person who’s been married a bunch of times and I’ll show you a person frozen in childhood. Such people are not to be taken seriously on any subject, but rather laughed at (not with). They’ve got a void where their conscience and moral responsibility ought to be, however charming or attractive they may seem. Do you really think you can trust such a person’s advice or opinion on any topic? I wouldn’t trust them, and neither should you.

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

Doggy dog world

The Editors — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 08:00:27 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

Dear Millie,

We recently installed a small “dog door” for our six-year-old terrier. We have succeeded in teaching him to open it with his nose and go in and out without being pushed. The only problem is, he waits patiently for a signal from us — either a verbal command such as “come on in” or “go on out,” or a hand signal pointing him the way — before either entering or exiting. This rather defeats the purpose of the whole thing, which is to enable him to use the back yard facilities when we are away from home and, having done his business, to be able to return to his warm, dry bed. I seem to remember that you have dog training experience. Do you have any suggestions?

Doorkeeper in Duluth

Dear Doorkeeper,

My dog training experience comes entirely from my having lived with canines since I was a tiny girl, and it strikes me that in dealing with dogs (or any pets) you have to keep in mind the animal’s point of view. Now I’m guessing that your obedient pet is one of those “cute” little things. Probably spoiled rotten, but you can take advantage of this, because with this sort of dog, spoiled rotten means overflowing with gratitude and loyalty, and absolutely dying to be with you.

When the weather gets nicer, and the dog is inside, near his dog door, the two of you should arrange to station yourself outside, perhaps enjoying a drink on the back porch. Have a nice chat together, not calling to your dog in any way, and I’ll bet that your little doggie, hearing your voices and eager to be with you, will find his own way through his door to your side. Alternatively, you can do the reverse: station yourselves inside, mixing a nice couple of martinis and engaging in your customary marital repartee, with Fido outside, listening to your voices. I think he’ll just push on in to join the fun.

Dogs are not stupid. Once yours learns that he can go where he wants without any permission or encouragement, he’ll be able to make use of his dog door on his own, and you can go out for dinner, leaving him at home, without wondering if he’ll have the nerve to venture outside if the urge strikes him.

Millie

Dear Miss Marshall,

What are your thoughts on giving names to dogs? I’ve recently acquired a wonderful puppy, as yet nameless. Can I affect his personality by the moniker I attach to him?

Wanna do right

Dear Wanna,

You probably can’t affect his personality by the name you assign him, but you’ll certainly affect yours. If you’re the sort of person who likes to anthropomorphize the animals around you, you should certainly give him a human name. On the other hand, if you’d prefer to let the animal remain an animal (albeit a beloved one), give him a thouroughly doggy name. An alternative is to name your dog after something you want to think about. Some friends of mine, enamored of American history, called their puppy The Rights of Man. This enabled them to think of dear old Tom Paine every time their dog (nicknamed Rights) entered the picture. If you’re inclined to New Agey jargon, you might consider calling your pup Fulfillment or Opportunity or Potential. On the other hand, if you’re an academic, you might want to get into the spirit of political correctness and multiculturalism by giving your bitch puppy a thoroughly masculine name, calling your male pet Emily, or naming your Chihuahua Bruno.

Just remember that this naming business is all for you, not for the animal. A dog called Karl Marx is going to get through its days without giving a moment’s thought to the class struggle, but you’re going to think of Das Kapital every time you call him in for dinner. If that turns you on, then go for it.

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

Use a little sense!

The Editors — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 12:00:27 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

Dear Millie,

What’s with all the whining from cigarette smokers? They’re ruining their health (so much for respecting them) and poisoning the environment for others, yet they still howl about their rights, as if polluting bars and restaurants were guaranteed in the Constitution. Isn’t it really all about the tobacco companies making huge profits?

Stunk Out

Dear Stunk,

Sure, it’s about tobacco companies making money, but I have a question for you. Exactly how much do the smokers affect you personally? Don’t give me the second-hand smoke routine, because the only smokers you encounter nowadays are out of doors: one state after another has outlawed smoking in enclosed, public places. And the tiny bit of cigarette smoke you inhale outside is chicken feed compared to the endless supply of carcinogens circulating in the open air everywhere except the deepest wilderness. And you don’t have to let people smoke in your home. If they’re considerate, smokers don’t leave the residue of their habit all over the streets. Admittedly, many are not considerate and use the world as their ashtray, but people throw all sorts of trash on the ground. There are laws against it, and when someone starts enforcing them the smokers will have to put their butts in their pockets and take them home. So take it easy. You’ve won the battle. You don’t have to respect the smokers if you choose not to (certainly not for their smoking), but there’s no reason to have a cow about it. Pick your battles, honey. How about campaigning to outlaw the manufacture of weapons?

Millie

Dear Millicent Marshall,

My wife and I have received some quizzical and even critical looks lately from friends who seem disconcerted by our drinks cabinet, a lovingly refinished antique that sits proudly in our living room. In and on it are bottles of most types of spirits, as well as several bottles of red wine, a selection of glasses, a martini shaker, and a beautiful silver ice bucket. Yet rather than admire this welcoming sight, some of our guests seem to recoil slightly, as if its presence in our house proved that we were alcoholics, which we certainly are not. What’s going on?

Puzzled in Puyallup

Dear Puzzled,

What’s going on is another fad of our sad times, alcohol-phobia. Despite the scientific evidence that a drink now and then, especially of red wine, is good for you, people prefer to imagine that the presence of a bottle of bourbon or scotch or gin indicates addiction. (Vodka, for some reason, is not thus stigmatized, perhaps because it has no real flavor.) These are the ladies and gentlemen who steadfastly refuse the pre-prandial cocktail, nurse a single glass of wine all through dinner, and turn up their blue noses at a snifter of brandy afterwards. This fear of the hard stuff goes hand in hand with the belief, now widespread in the U.S., that anyone who drinks too much on any occasion is by definition an alcoholic. What crap!

I keep a well-stocked liquor cabinet in my living room, too, and when friends come to visit they are offered drinks along with hors d’oeuvres. The presence of a little food seems to calm people, although I recall fondly an acquaintance who drank our good scotch but turned down the munchies: “What, and ruin a good ten-dollar drunk with a few bucks worth of snacks?!”

The fear of alcohol you describe has given rise to a sickening overreaction to even the mildest and most pleasant inebriation, causing visions of slobbering helplessness, wife-beating, and the inevitable “intervention” of relatives, followed by a lifetime of miserable abstention. I have known people who have reacted to one unfortunate drunken night by diagnosing themselves alcoholics, entering treatment programs, and spending countless wretched evenings drinking awful coffee and listening to embarrassing confessions from complete strangers. And they were no more alcoholics than you are.

Not to fear, though: this too shall pass, along with all other ephemeral fashions. Look what happened when they tried to ban drinking early in the last century: no one stopped drinking, and the Mafia came into its own. In fact there is just no substitute for a good half bottle of wine with a tasty dinner — what are you supposed to drink with a juicy steak or a plate of coq au vin, water? And that early evening cocktail — the martini, the Campari and soda, or a dash of Punt e Mes on the rocks are my favorites — is a great relaxer. Man has been drinking inebriating beverages ever since he discovered them. My advice to you is to serve some really nice snacks and watch your fearful guests gradually come ’round. After all, they want to drink, they’re just to chicken to admit it.

And send me a picture of your drinks cabinet; it sounds perfect.

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

Yourself to blame

The Editors — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 18:10:07 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

Dear Millie,

Our two kids are starting to raise hell because my husband and I restrict their television viewing to shows we can all watch together on our one TV set in the living room. This deprives them, they say, of a lot of the most popular programs. And why can’t they have TVs in their rooms, they ask? After all, their parents watch TV after they’ve gone to bed. Any advice?

Generation Gap

Dear Gap,

I have to admit I have trouble imagining what the four of you, whatever ages your kids are, can watch together, without either the older or younger generation nodding off or stomping out of the room in disgust. But if you are able to find programs that satisfy all of you, I say keep up the good work. Anyway, the kids have plenty of opportunities to watch their favorite junk when they visit their friends’ houses.

One TV in your house? Well done.

Millie

Dear Millicent Marshall,

Am I imagining things, or has the vast increase in the number of television channels only led to a vast increase in the amount of crap on the tube? What happened to the variety all those channels was supposed to provide?

Bummed in Boston

Dear Bummed,

TV ain’t perfect, even with all those hundreds of channels. But it’s a damned sight more interesting than ever before, especially if you get a satellite dish, as I have here in the Rocky Mountains. Thirty years ago, on American TV, where were the wonderful British dramatic series? Where were the history shows? (Don’t despair, they’ll get off World War II one of these days.) Where was Turner Classic Movies? HBO? Not to mention Olympic coverage from other countries, incomparably better than our own chauvinistic version? And news broadcasts from abroad, necessary for political perspective? Nowhere, that’s where.

Sorry, but I’m not one of those “television is the death knell of culture” zealots. If millions of cretins choose to sit glued to idiotic sitcoms and police dramas, so what? No skin off my nose.

No one forces you to turn the damned thing on. Read a book if you like, talk with your family and friends, experiment in the kitchen with new recipes, go to the opera or theater, and don’t blame TV if you don’t.

If you do get around to watching, stop asking the box to make your life better. It’s only entertainment, but as such, it’s never been better. Pick and choose. Use your noodle. Stop whining.

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

Dealing with Christmas

The Editors — Wed, 01 Dec 2004 13:10:44 +0000

BY MILLICENT MARSHALL

In the spirit of this special issue of Black Lamb, here are a few Christmas letters from my mailbag.

Dear Millie,

I have a point to make. Christmas is on its way, and once again my husband and I will have to put up with sermons in pulpits and newspapers about the horrible commercialism of this holiday. Don’t people ever give a thought to the thousands and thousands (perhaps millions) of people who, like my family, make their living supplying and producing Christmas-related consumer goods?

Holiday Spirit

Dear Spirit,

No, I suppose preachers in and out of church don’t give much of a thought to the makers of holiday fruit baskets, the harvesters of Christmas trees, and the manufacturers of tinsel, wrapping paper, and a million other holiday “necessities.” Why should they?

You and your kind are doing very nicely, thank you, and will continue to do so. Just don’t expect the rest of us to be as enthusiastic as you are about all that holiday stuff, ninety-five percent of which is pointless crap. If all the greeting cards, tasteless gewgaws, and other Christmas paraphernalia disappeared tomorrow, people would still find a way to celebrate, and not have to haul truckloads of junk to landfills in the week before New Year. So suck it up while you rake it in.

Millie

The following two letters go together, really, and deserve a single answer.

Dear Millie,

I for one am fed up with political correctness, especially at Christmas time. In the interest of not alienating non-Christian Americans, we’ve elevated a bunch of other December holidays to the level of one of Christianity’s two great festivals. The result is that remembering and celebrating the spiritual significance of Christmas is frowned on. What’s the way out of this sad tendency?

Bring Back Christmas

Dear Millie,

As a fourth-generation American of Jewish descent, I’ve grown accustomed to being inundated at the winter solstice with devotional nonsense sponsored by the diminishing majority of Christian Americans. But it’s wearing me down. Why should I have to use Hannukah, which isn’t even a religious holiday, to fight off the onslaught of sweet baby Jesus? In this land of religious toleration, can’t the Christians find a way to put the X back in their Xmas without forcing it down the throats of the rest of us?

Acid Reflux

Dear Back & Acid,

So one of you wants more Jesus in America’s public Christmas, and one wants less. Reminds me of some evangelical Christians I know who refuse to let their little kids enjoy Halloween because, they say, it’s a pagan holiday that celebrates occultism. Even notwithstanding the connection between Halloween and such mainstream religious holidays as All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day, they’re wrong. Halloween doesn’t celebrate occultism any more than the Harry Potter books (which they’re also vehemently against). I’ve seen no compulsory rituals of witchcraft or devil-worship, and damned few optional ones. For kids, Halloween, like Christmas, is fun: a time for special traditions and goodies, and Halloween has the advantage of being deliciously scary, too.

If you don’t think Jews (and atheists) can get a kick out of Christmas, read Michele Gendelman’s and Ed Goldberg’s and Greg Roberts’ articles in this All-Christmas Issue. The fact is, Christmas is a secular as well as a religious holiday in the USA. If you want more Jesus in it, go to your church and insert him as directed. If you want less, ignore what’s left of the public display of Christian Christmas doctrine, play Irving Berlin songs on your stereo (he wasn’t a nice Christian boy), have a big family meal, and enjoy the unmistakable feeling of public charity and friendliness that accompanies the annual shopping frenzy. No one said everyone had to celebrate Christmas the same way.

Millie

Dear Millie,

What can you suggest to alleviate the numbing effect of listening to Christmas music in every public place from November through New Year?

Prisoner of “White Christmas”

Dear Prisoner,

It is pretty relentless, isn’t it? For a number of years now, I’ve adopted a kind of reverse Gresham’s Law to help me get through this most musical of seasons. In the belief that Good Music will drive out Bad, I contrive to offset the jingles in grocery stores and dentists’ offices, as well as the treacly bonhomie on the radio, by self-administering doses of real music at home. Twenty years ago, a friend who was a jazz disc jockey turned me on to jazz Christmas albums. Turns out there are dozens of them, and I mean real jazz, not the hoary Perry Como or Bing Crosby or Andy Williams records that are still in print. It’s amazing how salutary Dave Brubeck’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” can be after the public Muzak. Or Duke Ellington’s “Jingle Bells” and Herbie Hancock’s “Deck the Halls.” You might also take a page from this magazine’s editor, who long ago recommended to me Handel’s Messiah, preferably in live performance with a small choir and a baroque orchestra. I went one year and all those elephantine, ponderous Messiahs of yesteryear vanished in an instant. Glorious stuff. I can hardly wait for Thanksgiving every year to get out my CD and get Handel cranking.

These remedies, taken as they are just once a year, never get stale, and there are always more becoming available, like a Stevie Wonder cut I heard a few years ago of “O Thou That Tellest Good Tidings from Zion,” from Messiah, not to mention other superb classical Christmas music by the likes of Charpentier. Or get out the Oxford Book of Carols and gather round the piano for something far removed from “O Little Town of Bethlehem” and “Hark the Herald Angels Sing,” which have worn out whatever welcome they might once have had. Relief is at hand!

Millie

Send your query to Millicent Marshall care of Black Lamb. Letters may be edited for length. Replies not guaranteed confidential. •

Author profile

The Editors — Sun, 01 Dec 2002 23:43:14 +0000

Millicent Marshall, who lives in western Montana, began writing her advice column Ask Millie upon the sudden death of her sister Carol Wolfe, who had contributed a Q&A column during Black Lamb’s first year.