Black Lamb

Consumerism run amok

May 1st, 2007

BY BLACK LAMB

Once again we present an unparalelled opportunity for Black Lamb readers and would-be consumers: exclusive access to a superb gift cornucopia, the Whole Whog Catalog, first published in 1980. Take advantage of the original catalog prices by ordering today.

Now that spring is well upon us and we’re all out in the garden, here’s a helpful product to keep those flowers and shrubs pest-free.

Sluggo™ Slug Call

Do you shrink from the thought of taking a walk around your own property at night? Don’t let mere mollusks make a mockery of your lawn. Put your foot down. Stamp out sickening slugs and their slimy trails of mucus. Crack down on snails, too. Use Sluggo™, the top banana of slug calls, to lure slugs from their hiding places for easy mass extermination. Irresistible to all breeds. Works even in dry weather. Lifelike wet-look vinyl. Blow briskly into either end of Sluggo™ and watch a crowd gather.

Only $8.95

Order today, with check enclosed (shipping is free!), through Black Lamb, P.O. Box 4531, Portland OR 97208-4531, USA. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

All entries are from the Whole Whog Catalog, by Victor Langer, Leslie Anderson, and Bob Ross, with a preface by Chevy Chase (New York, Times Books, 1980). •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Wretched Excess | Link to this Entry

Consumerism run amok

March 1st, 2007

BY BLACK LAMB

Again we present an unparalelled opportunity for Black Lamb readers and would-be consumers: exclusive access to a superb gift cornucopia, the Whole Whog Catalog, first published in 1980. Take advantage of the original catalog prices by ordering today.

Here’s a fashion idea that somehow didn’t catch on, but it’s never too late!

Leisure Wet Suit

This handsomely tailored leisure suit is equally at home on land or in the water. Traditional polyester foamfill double-knit burgundy blazer sports white top-stitching, deep center vent, and waterproof pockets. Flared slacks in lime and canary check pattern with white leather-look polyurethane weight belt. Reversible ruffle-front rubber dickey in solid lime or canary is coordinated to slacks. Black vinyl bow tie. White vinyl flippers with stay-on elastic insteps. White face mask. High-glare sharkskin-finish serves as an example to sharks and keeps them at a distance. Sleek surface will not snag on jagged coral branches. Full terry-lined for underwater comfort. True wash-and-wear action: washes itself as you wear it; then tumble dry on shore. Lean cut, regular, or porcine. State waist and inseam. Breathing gear not included.

Only $89.95

Order today, with check enclosed (shipping is free!), through Black Lamb, P.O. Box 4531, Portland OR 97208-4531, USA. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

All entries are from the Whole Whog Catalog, by Victor Langer, Leslie Anderson, and Bob Ross, with a preface by Chevy Chase (New York, Times Books, 1980). •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Wretched Excess | Link to this Entry

Consumerism run amok

November 1st, 2006

BY BLACK LAMB

Again we present an unparalelled opportunity for Black Lamb readers and would-be consumers: exclusive access to a superb gift cornucopia, the Whole Whog Catalog, first published in 1980. Take advantage of the original catalog prices by ordering today.

For this special issue, we offer an elaborate gift suggestion.

Heavenly No-Host Bar
After a day of hell, unwind and transcend it all with this unusual home bar ensemble which is an ecclesiastical extravaganza. Rest on fun-fur kneeling pads in front of a low “altar rail” bar and have your drinks served in a “holy grail” goblet by a bartender in real bishop’s robes and mitre while you enjoy the stained glass “cathedral window” light show, with its pulsating rays straight out of Michelangelo. Accent the scene with fun and functional accessories like the “Quaker” shaker, the Episco-Pail™ ice bucket, “shepherd’s staff” swizzle sticks, “Holy Roller” coasters, “swaddling clothes” drink cozies, a “serpent of Eden” corkscrew, “crown of thorns” party hats, or the amazing talking Bar-Nun™, which is really a miniature breath analyzer — just exhale on the vent in her habit and she’ll tell you when to stop by discreetly whispering “Don’t be a martyr.” Choose from a staggering assortment of drinks and premixed cocktails: have a Bloody Mary, a Saint Thomas of Quinine, or a Christian Brothers with a holy water back; or for something more exotic try a Tabernacle Daiquiri, a Mormon Nailer, a San Franciscan Friar, a Solomon’s Temple, an Easter Sunrise, a Last Stupor, an Immaculate Concoction, a Vodka Stigmata, or a Rusty Nail. For novices, there’s the nonalcoholic Saint Francis the Sissy and Juice for Jesus. There are plenty of bar-top snacks, so if the spirit moves you, reach for handful of cheese-flavored Circumsnaps™, high fiber Holy Wheats™, double-cross-shaped Crucifixion Thins™, or zesty Jesus Crisps™ congregation-tested communion wafers. Use our recipes to make your own festive treats, like Baptismal Fondue, Blood Sausage Hors d’Oeuvres, or Pontius Pilaf. For musical inspiration you’ve got the Rock of Ages™ bar-mounted compact jukebox with 36 favorite secular selections including Sins You Went Away by The Temptations, Halo Goodbye by the Satan Dolls, Behind Her Pew by Peter, Paul and Mary, The Lone Manger by Joltin’ Joe and the Magi, He Laid Me on the Altar of the Lord by The Singing Nun, and It Ain’t the Meat It’s the Methodist by the Original Sins. For those who get too much into the spirit, there’s our Born Again™ morning-after tablets to ease the pain of penance. And don’t let your guests take it all for granted. After all, there’s no host. Once they’ve been served, just pass the collection plate for tax-deductible contributions. They’ll be talking in tongues.

Bar, kneeling pad, bishop’s outfit, light show, 12 goblets, accessory set, 48 assorted premixed cocktails, snack sampler and recipes, jukebox, 36 morning-after tablets:
Only $498.95

Order today, with check enclosed (shipping is free!), through Black Lamb, P.O. Box 4531, Portland OR 97208-4531, USA. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

All entries are from the Whole Whog Catalog, by Victor Langer, Leslie Anderson, and Bob Ross, with a preface by Chevy Chase (New York, Times Books, 1980). •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Wretched Excess, All Smoking & Drinking Issue | Link to this Entry

Consumerism run amok

March 1st, 2006

BY BLACK LAMB

Again we present an unparalelled opportunity for Black Lamb readers and would-be consumers: exclusive access to a magnificent gift compendium, the Whole Whog Catalog, first published in 1980. Take advantage of the original catalog prices by ordering today.

For this special issue, here’s a valuable product made possible by the same technology that brought us the television.

Video Hearth®

This hot item is the state-of-the-art in home fireplace convenience. High-realism video fire does away once and for all with fussing and fuming, dangerous flames, unpleasant smoke and odors, excessive heat, airborn soot, ash residue, and costly firewood and kindling. Includes videotape library of eight real hardwood fires, from mellow mahongany to exciting eucalyptus. Quality 25-inch solid-state color TV is built into your choice of two handsome fireplace consoles: traditional woodgrain look wall-mounted type with mantel, or contemporary freestanding metal hood type in persimmon enamel. High-fidelity stereo sound for hissing embers or a roaring, crackling blaze. Remote control lets you vary flame color, brightness, contrast, and volume.

Mantel set: Only $695.95
Hood set: Only $629.95

Order today, with check enclosed (shipping is free!), through Black Lamb, P.O. Box 4531, Portland OR 97208-4531, USA. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

All entries are from the Whole Whog Catalog, by Victor Langer, Leslie Anderson, and Bob Ross, with a preface by Chevy Chase (New York:Times Books, 1980). •

Posted by: The Editors
Category: Wretched Excess, All Television Issue, Television | Link to this Entry